she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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