My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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