I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
