I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
