So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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