Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
