Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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