McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up under a house in Key West
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
