You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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