my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
