Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
