you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
