happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
