well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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