my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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