Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
