Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
