I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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