Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He better not be in your backpack
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
