I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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