I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
