I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
