i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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