I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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