It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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