Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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