so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize