How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
