Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
