I'm so fucking centered right now
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize