I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
