considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
