Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
