my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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