I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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