you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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