I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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