when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
