Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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