no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize