You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
