And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
