Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
