I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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