i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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