I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize