I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
