so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
