is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
