I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
