You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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