Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
3 2 1 whiskey
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
