totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
