I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
