Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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