Nicole vs. Life
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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