I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
