My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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