i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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