Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Randomize
