Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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