yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
whose parrot is this?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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