i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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