He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
this just has baby written all over it
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
