um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
